Just Relax
Mood:  accident prone
I feel like the more anxious I get, the more bogged down I begin to feel. I have to pick up the van today. The brakes went out on me and they're going to cost $500 to fix. If I had them done two months ago like I should have, I could have saved us a couple hundred of bucks. That sucks. I've had a ton going on, and just when things begin to calm down, I feel like I've been slapped in the face for trying to buy some time, save some money, etc. It just sucks. I guess I'm having a "down day" today. I have about 10 loads of laundry I have to fold, poor Brett really needs to get out of the house and do something, and all I can do is sit around and feel sorry for myself.

I just feel like we never have any money no matter how hard Tony works. I work pretty hard when he's not here because I have to be both parents. The disciplinarian and the comforter. It stinks. I just need to clean the house, get away on vacation, and not think of anything. Not Jody, not our home, not money, not anything. I wonder if that's even possible.

I WANT BRETT TO BE POTTY TRAINED!! This is also really bugging me. I can't sit there next to the toilet all day with him sitting there. I try as hard as I can to get him to go on the potty. He knows when he has to go too! I'm going to pull my hair out about this.

A lot of times I think to myself how much of a terrible job I'm doing. I'm lazy, I'm not a good mom for Brett, I don't do anything right. But then when I have to let someone else take over I see how much that I actually do because there's about 1,000 directions that I'll have to give to them. Little things here and there. Then I don't feel so bad. It also really helped when I had that appt. with Phillip on Monday because I saw all my symptoms right there on paper. The second-guessing myself, the feelings of being overwhelmed, how I push other people away and distance myself after a while, I mean just everything. Everything on the papaer I feel like, "Yes! Someone must have written this for me!" I get short with people, and crabby, and my mind goes too fast for me to keep up with it. As I write this I think in my head "I need to get off this damn cimputer, fold the laundry, wake up Jon, find a way to pick up the car, pull out money out of the ATM, do the dishes, take a shower, brush my teeth, I need to take Jon to karate, get a hold of my mom so that jon will have a school to go to here in St. pete next year, make sure that she actually does it, etc..." And these are all things I do on a daily basis but when I actually think about it, it feels like it's all too much to handle. Thank God for Deana. That's all I can say. She's just been such a good friend to me, I can't even tell you. She helps me out every way that she can and I really appreciate that. not matter how much Tony says that I'm unappreciative.

I do have to wrap this up though because I have a bunch of things I have to do. It's been real!

Tired!
Mood:  on fire
Well! Our room is booked. Now all we need for the trip is to fix our car, get a luggage carrier and rack (which I don't think is going to happen. We're going to have to use the space we have in the van.) That's cool. We might be a little behind on some of our bills, but it won't be bad at all. Yay! I'm excited that we're making our way to having this damn trip planned.

I slept for thirteen hours last night. (From 7 at night until 8 this morning.) Tony called me worthless. Not true at all. I've been sick, I haven't been getting any sleep, and obviously my body was worn down. What is he thinking??

Now we just need to get Deana and Chip to pitch in for the room and to get the thing for the car. I need to get our own car fixed this week. It needs the tires rotated, new brakes, and the shocks fixed. We're looking at a lot of money.

I need this vacation. I am worn out. I don't know about everyone else, but I am beat.

By the way, today is May 15th. I hope I don't have a breakdown. It's now 6 years since my grandma died. It's really painful to even think about, much less talk about. We were really close to her. She had me living with her on and off since I was 8. She died two weeks before I graduated high school. I really miss her.

Well, have a joyous day! It's Sunday!!

It's a Friday!
Mood:  cool
Well, I'm glad I got to talk to Roxanne this morning. I tried calling her a couple of times yesterday because I missed her and I just wanted to see how she was. I'm hoping that we can help her out with the situations she's facing.

Lord, please let Brett's behavior swing be just a sympton of his "terrible two's." I swear, he doesn't like to do the things he used to. He doesn't like to wrestle with Tony, or play games with me, or even play outside. He just wants to sit on his butt and watch TV. Well, I won't have it anymore. He thinks he's going to cry and whine at night so he can sleep in our room. Well, I won't have that either. He's going to sleep in his room. That's why it's so difficult for me to deal with him spending the night at his Grammy's because he sleep in her bed, and in my opinion he's way too old for that. I'm his mom, so I think I have a say in that. I just want my sweet happy little boy again.

I gotta get up to the store today to buy some groceries and stamps. I hope I don't forget.

Deana came over last night and helped out quite a bit. I really appreciate that. Suzy went to the karate school and gave me my mother's day gift. It was so pretty. She gave me a picture holder that will go very well with my house.

I guess I'll write more in this later.

Better Day
Mood:  a-ok
Today has definitely been better than yesterday. I didn't get any of the work done yesterday that I wanted to do, but tonight's gonna be the night! I feel it.

I had a good practice. Roxanne reorganized the singing groups. I'm really glad that there's going to be three rather than four because it gives us something to look forward to. I just wish I could learn how to sing a "part." Roxanne has so many leads that we have to split our time more often than those who are altos or sopranos. Plus we only have two guys, so they are neded desperately each week. I'm not about the stage thing either. I just get so excited looking out into our church and seeing people honestly feeling the Lord and getting into it. But we can see that from the risers as well, so that's cool.

I'm pretty lazy still today. But Brett and I have been playing games today and he's gotten bathed (which I can't say every day. He's a very difficult little boy to take care of.) So I'm glad about that. And I did clean out the fridge so that tomorrow we can go grocery shopping. Tonight is karate so we definitely can't do it tonight. I'm going to see if Deana can come over too and help me out a little. I think she should start getting Jon's allowance from now on.

Well well, I guess there's not much else to say for now.

www.one.org

Katie

My First "Blah" Blog Entry
Mood:  lazy
Okay, so I've decided to jump on the whole "blog thing" that's got everybody talking. It might even come in handy when someone has finally decided they have had enough of my bullcrap and wants to kill me. This could serve as evidence.

I should probably start this by saying that we have a VERY full household. Me, my darling husband Tony, our son Brett (2 1/2 years), our daughter Analisa (6 mos.) and our newest addition Jon! (A thirteen year old with an attitude, and a good heart.) I'm sure I'll be writing all about them.

I'm upset that my son swears. Brett doesn't swear like, all the time, but when he's frustrated, he'll say "stupid" or something like that. I just hope it's something all two and a half year old kids go through. I know my language is not so good in the car, but when we are here at home I do all that I can to make sure EVERYONE watches what they say. So that's bothering me.

I'm also having a really tough day with my anxiety. I feel my heart racing, and I feel like I'm very close to having a panic attack. I've been trying as hard as I can to take it easy and I feel like yesterday I took it a little TOO EASY. I don't think I left the house once. But today's been very difficult. My head feels dizzy, my breathing doesn't feel right, and I just have "that feeling." However, I have A LOT to look forward to. Wednesday is "church night." I get a chance to sing on our praise team, and I love that. I love worshipping God, I love the people I spend that time with, I just love getting out of the house and having that just for myself.

We're also leaving for vacation in a couple of weeks. So that's cool. I'm excited about the road trip to Chicago. It's going to be seven of us going up there: Me, Tony, Bubba, Analisa, Jon, Chip, and Deana. Woohoo. I just hope we don't kill each other.

As I write this it's bothering me that I know I have some things I need to be doing around the house: the dishes and the laundry mainly. But I just can't find the strength to force myself to do it. I keep telling myself I also need to get the kids ready so that we can go to Wal-Mart and buy baby food, diapers, stamps, and whatever else we might need. I feel like I'm not doing anything right now but having a self "pity party." It's been like that for a few weeks now, and I'm pretty sure I know why. I just don't want to go into any details I guess.

Let's pray that tomorrow is a better day. I'm going to get Analisa up from her nap soon, get to the store, pick up Jon, figure out how Tony is going to get home from the dentist, and then come home, cook dinner, and go to church. Maybe after church tonight Jon can help me with the laundry. I doubt that considering every Wednesday we come home pretty late. BUT TONIGHT MIGHT BE DIFFERENT.

Ugh.